I just spent the whole night on this paragraph and need help to know if it was good? Can you help me?

Next Morning, everyone was wordlessly having breakfast in the jade, glamorous garden before the house except for David who was sleeping on the couch in the living room after his long night in front of the TV, watching the news till 2’O clock in the morning. A triple tier stone fountain was in the middle of the sunny, daylily garden. It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees which leaned its slight shadows on the simple, beige breakfast table below it. Angela fixed her eyes on the honey pancakes which reminded her of her mother’s delightful ones for which Angela, when she was young, begged her mother to make them on every meal.





I dunno if the last line is good enough too. I just wrote it before I ask the question. Is it too long? I need something about Angela's mother so I could open the next paragraph. When I wrote the line and stopped at "delieghtful ones", I thought it was to short.





What do you think of the whole thing???

I just spent the whole night on this paragraph and need help to know if it was good? Can you help me?
well. to be honest it looks like you put a lot of effort into it but I do see some things that you can still work on.. I really don't mean to be offensive by this. You use a lot of description in your work which makes it a bit too wordy but interesting nonetheless, also your sentences are quite long (you might want to review the punctuation). You should start your first sentence with "The" infront of the word "next".. seems to make more sense. Anyway, overall I think its good. Keep up the good work.
Reply:I think it's pretty good. good imagry, but your sentences feel like they're too long, and you need a little work on the overall grammar and structure of the paragraph. for example: "It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees which leaned its slight shadows on the simple, beige breakfast table" doesn't make sense, it should say..." which leaned their slight shadows," since you're talking about ornamental trees. if it's the fountain you're talking about casting the shadows, then u need to reword the sentence. the last sentence also needs work. not that it's not good, but instead of it reading: "which Angela, when she was young, begged her mother to make them on every meal." (this doesn't sound right) it should probably read: her mother's delightful ones which Angela, when she was young, often begged for" or: " her mother's delightful ones. When she was young, she begged her mother to make them for every meal" also, i think you shouldn't use numerals like "2" in 2 o'clock. rather, spell it out. "two o'clock."
Reply:"...when she was young, begged her mother to make them on every meal."





You need to re-word the last line. It should sound something like "...Begged her mother to make them at every meal."





And also, you need to write out "2 o' clock" correctly.
Reply:Over all, it wasn't bad. the first sentence was a bit too much. if you find some way to reword that-mostly it should be fine. It's not too long, in my opinion. personally, I find it hard to make my work long enough...other than that....re-do "2'o clock" and it should be fine. Good luck.
Reply:Your first sentence is far too long. Spelling mistakes also need to be looked at. To me, it seems as though you are trying to pack way too much descriptive language in way too often. For the last line, why mention 'Angela' twice? A rule of thumb to remember is 'try not to use the same word twice in a sentence or paragraph.' Sometimes it's not possible to do, but the key is 'try.'





You seem to have a good grasp of descriptive language, but in my humble opinion, you went a bit overboard. If I had further time, I wouldn't have been so blunt and would have taken the time/space to use specific examples and suggest solutions. Sorry about that...but you aren't far off, so don't get discouraged.
Reply:Maybe try it more like my example below, when you break it down it looks better and sounds better.





The next morning everyone except David was quietly having breakfast in the garden, because David had watched the news on tv until 2am and was still asleep there on the couch.


{ then here describe the garden. }


Angela looked at the honey pancakes which it reminded her of when she was young and begged her mother to make her delightful pancakes.





hope this helps


k
Reply:1. "The next morning"


2. Delete "glamorous." Instead, let a more vivid description of the garden show the reader that it's glamorous.


3. Instead of using words like "many," be specfic. Tell me the colors to make the scene pop.


4. Delete "simple," unnecessary adjective.


5. Simplify the last line by breaking into two sentences. It's difficult for both reader and writer to juggle too many dependent clauses without losing interest in the sentence (unless you're Henry James).


6. Replace delightful with someone more appropriate for taste.





"As Angela fixed her eyes on the honey pancakes, she thought about the ones her mother used to make." And so on...





Overall, it's nice. You could make it very poignant if you also included other sensory details. How does the breakfast room smell? What are the sounds?
Reply:you have a good imagination and have a lot to say and have a made a great start to your story. write and rewrite. use a graphic organizer to set up your writing and to inspire new ideas. write, then read your first draft later in the day or the next. you will have more clarity of thought looking at it from the perspective of a few hours. having us read it is a good idea too, that way you will get input in a constructive way. the more who read your writing the better! dont be afraid to use a thesaurus, it will add spice to your writing and increase vocabulary. sometimes, a single word or two can eliminate lots of unnecessary ones.





a couple of things to improve on. too many words. readers get choked up with them. by the time i read all those words, i forgot what i was reading. simple, say what you need to say and thats it! run on sentences. also, spell check only checks for spelling errors, not the proper usage.





BUT, keep writing and reading. it will only increase understanding in other content areas and increases your vocab. youre doing great! trust.
Reply:In every writing class they tell you continually "cut," "cut," "cut." This is because if you don't, what you write can get too wordy. This is too wordy. Some of the details are not really necessary to the story, especially the descriptions. Here is my suggestion because I don't know exactly what you feel you can cut, I did not cut enough probably:





The following morning everyone, except for David, who still lay sleeping on the living room sofa, breakfasted silently in the lovely jade garden before the house. A triple tier stone fountain in the center of the sunny daylily garden cast a slight shadow on the beige breakfast table below it. Angela fixed her eyes hungrily on the honey pancakes remembering her mother's delightful pancakes for which she had begged often when she was a child.

Teeth