They told me that I should change this paragraph.I edited it and checked grammar.Is it good?

Anything I should change??? I couldn't write the 2 compared paragraphs. I beg you go to the link. I really need to know how good it is.





From this paragraph:


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...





To this one: The next Morning, everyone was wordlessly having breakfast in the jade, glamorous garden before the house except for David who was sleeping on the couch in the living room. He spent a long night in front of the TV, watching the news till two o’clock in the morning. A triple tier stone fountain was in the middle of the sunny, daylily garden. It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees which leaned their slight shadows on the simple, beige breakfast table below them. Angela fixed her eyes on the honey pancakes which reminded her of her mother’s delightful ones which Angela, when she was young, often begged for.





SO?

They told me that I should change this paragraph.I edited it and checked grammar.Is it good?
I wrote this over for you.





Please be informed that I passed English with 99%.





The next morning, everyone was having breakfast in the jade, a glamorous garden next to the house, excepted for David who was sleeping on the couch in the livingroom.





He stood up late watching TV News until 2:00 AM... A Triple tier stone was in the middle of the resplendent garden. It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees.





Angela fixed her eyes on the honey pancake, which reminded her of her mother's delightful ones...





Correction. The word "Morning" shouldn't have been capitalized.





Correction: Any sentence that can be broken down and still maintains a solid communication is considered incorrect. For example: wordlessly doesn't make sense.





Keep on eye on my correction and learn from it.





Bye for now.
Reply:The next morning everyone was wordlessly having breakfast in the jade glamorous garden, except for David, who was sleeping on the couch in the living room. (He had spent a long night in front of the television, watching the news 'til two o'clock in the morning.) A triple-tier stone fountain was in the middle of the sunny daylily garden. It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees, which leaned their slight shadows onthe simple beige breakfast table below them. Angela fixed her eyes on the honey pancakes, which reminded of her mother's delightul ones which Angela (when she was younger) often begged for.
Reply:It's still pretty awkward





The next morning everyone was wordlessly having breakfast in the glamorous jade colored garden before the house, except for David who was still sleeping on the couch in the living room. He had spent a long night in front of the TV watching news until two in the morning and was oblivious to the world!





A triple tier stone founstain sat in the middle of the sunny, daylilly garden. It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees with their slight shadows draping the simple, beige breakfast table down below.





Angela fixed her eyes on the honey pancakes which reminded her of her mother's delightful ones that she so often begged for as a child.





Gotta watch those commas and try to not end sentences with either THEM or IT





Dangling...
Reply:"before the house, except for David who was sleeping on the couch in the living room. He HAD spent a long night in front of the TV watching the news UNtill two o’clock in the morning."





Those where the only things I caught. But I do think that you are using too much description and way too much alliteration. Other than that, it's really great!!





God Bless!
Reply:I like the imagery, but think it needs a little reworking. How 'bout this:





The next morning all were happy but quiet as they ate breakfast in the pretty, jade garden in front of the house. (All, except David, who still slept on the living room sofa.) Angela peered into the water of the garden's, stone fountain, shining like diamonds, bounced from layer to layer. Thirstily, her eyes swept across the sun-drenched, daylily garden; beautifully framed within a kaleidescope of ornamental trees. With lazy movement, faint shadows drifted back and forth across the beige table before them. Without noticing she fixed her eyes upon the honey pancakes before them and was transported to her mother's own table, which held her own plump and sumptuous pancakes that delighted her so as a child that she plead and begged for more.
Reply:It's obviously very descriptive....It's good. In writing though, (if you're worried about grammar) I would use until instead of till. Also, morning does not need to be capitalized.
Reply:Morning shouldn't be capitalized. It's pretty good, but it sounds a little too...extravagant. Remove some of the adjectives. You shouldn't use so many if you are talking about something so simple as a pancake breakfast in the garden. What should have been a couple of sentences, you turned into a whole paragraph. Other than that, it's pretty good! :)
Reply:The next morning, everyone in the family, including Angela was served her favorite breakfast of honey pancakes. As a child she would beg her mother for them.


In the mean time David laid on the couch in the living room still sleeping from his late night of watching TV.


Sounds could be heard as the water trickled down the triple tier stone fountain. All of which was surrounded by gorgeous flower garden of day lilies abundant with bright colors. In the background were various ornamental trees blowing gracefully in the summer wind. The sun was beginning to glow through the branches and mark the simple beige breakfast table below with their soft shadows.
Reply:The next morning everyone except David was quietly having breakfast in the garden, because David had watched the news on tv until 2am and was still asleep there on the couch.


{ then here describe the garden. }


Angela looked at the honey pancakes which it reminded her of when she was young and begged her mother to make her delightful pancakes.
Reply:"Morning" (first sentence) shouldn't be capitalized.
Reply:1. The next Morning, everyone except for David, was silently having breakfast in the jade, glamorous garden (near?) the house.





before and wordlessly make it awkward to read.





2. David, however, was sleeping on the couch in the living room because had spent a long night in front of the TV, watching the news UNTIL two o’clock in the morning.





3. "A triple tier stone fountain was in the middle of the sunny, daylily garden. It was surrounded by many colors of ornamental trees, which leaned their slight shadows on the simple, beige breakfast table below them."





This is out of place. You go from talking about david then back to the outsside. It's confusing and needs to be rearanged with a lead in sentence. Maybe something like Everyone else was busy looking at the... or something of that nature. Or maybe Back in the garden there was...





4. Is this the first time you introduce Angela? if not don't worry if it is Angela need a description.
Reply:I am just here to read all your responses that you have received from these people. I just wanted to see how well they know English. Gayle tried her best, but she failed to use proper punctuations.





The person who said she was an A+ English Student makes me laugh.





The rest of responses are worthless.





The best one is John's. This is the second time I've seen John helped the English Students. No error was detected.





Keep up your head high, John.

rain roots